


A Christmas Without You

by LunaRavenclaw9



Series: Hermione's Nook - A Very Potter Advent Calendar [18]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Christmas Blues, Gen, Parent Death, Post-Hogwarts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-04
Updated: 2019-12-04
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:21:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21672859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LunaRavenclaw9/pseuds/LunaRavenclaw9
Summary: This is the first Christmas since her father died last year and Pansy is not taking it so well.Written for the Hermione's Nook- A Very Potter Advent Calendar-Day 18
Series: Hermione's Nook - A Very Potter Advent Calendar [18]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1534016
Comments: 5
Kudos: 6
Collections: A Very Potter Advent Calendar





	A Christmas Without You

**Author's Note:**

> I lost my father last year on Christmas Eve. Since this is my first Christmas without him, this is how I dealt with my pain. If your parents are still here and they aren't toxic in your life, squeeze them long and hard for me! Tell them you love them, and enjoy their presence because you never really know when it may be the last time you see them!

“Yea, happy fucking Christmas or whatever,” Pansy muttered as she walked past the reception desk at the end of her work day. Was the new secretary always this over-the-top cheerful, or was Pansy’s cynicism just that bad, she wondered while heading towards the floo on her way home.

Before she stepped into the fireplace, Pansy glanced over her shoulder and caught the slightly hurt expression on the girl’s face. Guilt flared brightly, clamping down on her chest and making it hard to breathe. Sucking in enough air to choke out her destination, Pansy stepped into the fireplace to be whisked home so she could deal with the panic attack she has been trying to avoid all day.

As soon as she stepped out of her fireplace at home, Pansy crumpled to the ground, trying to pull in enough breath for the heaving sobs that had her whole frame trembling. She knew she needed to get her breathing under control or else the spinning room would eventually turn into her passing out on the floor. That has happened one too many times in the last two months. 

She thought she had her anxiety under control; the potions were helping, she was feeling better and more optimistic. Then the holidays had to come, reminding her once again of everything last year had taken from her. 

Christmas Eve used to be her favorite time of year. Her parents would spend the whole day with her, just the three of them. No matter what they did, it always felt so magical. Last year, one of the best days turned into the worst with a single floo call from her mother in the early morning. Pansy knew her father was sick, she knew his health was failing and there was nothing magic or medicine could do for him anymore. All she and her mother could do was keep him comfortable and tell him how much they loved him. The thing she didn’t know was exactly how little time she had left with him. If she had known, she would have spent just a little longer with him the night before. She would have given him one more kiss on the cheek, held on to her last hug for just a few more seconds, soaking in his warmth and smell one last time. 

This Christmas Eve would be the first since her father died. This would be the first Christmas he wasn’t there for any of their family traditions. Last Christmas didn’t really count when it passed through a haze of grief and funeral plans.

As Pansy’s mind circled with the thoughts that had been plaguing her all month, she became aware of a heavy, warm presence beside her. Her body relaxed enough from the fetal position she had curled into that she was able to wrap her arms around the soothing being who was patiently waiting with the offer of love and understand like he always was. Pansy didn’t know what she would do without her Airedale terrier, Yasko. Every time she came home like this, he would lay next to her and lend his calm, waiting until she had relaxed enough to accept it. He stayed with her until she was ready to get up and go about the rest of her night, it didn’t matter how long she took.

Burying her nose in his soft fur, Pansy took a few deep breaths while trying to remember the mindful practices her therapist told her about. Connecting to the world around her through her senses, the feel of the fur beneath her hands, the smell Yasko carried that was purely him, the sound of his calm breaths panting in her ear and the taste of the tears that were still falling down her cheeks.

Shakily, she stood from the floor and moved towards her kitchen like an old, arthritic woman. Some muscles still tensed, panic still crackling in the back of her mind as if trying to find a hole in the wall Pansy rebuilt for the time being.

Making tea helped calm her a little more and as Pansy sat at the table to sip the herbal medley she’d brewed, Yasko’s head on her knee like always, she came to the realization that she needed to get out of her apartment more often. And not just to go to work or the store, or any other mundane chores, she chided herself mentally. She needed to be around her friends, even if just for a little while. The walls of her flat were starting to close in on her, they weren’t supposed to do that, this was her safe haven. 

Standing from the table with determination, she set her mug in the sink and walked towards the closet near her front door as she called to Yasko, “Would you like to go on a walk, my good boy?” It was only 7 o’clock, so they had plenty of time for a quick walk in the nearby park.

The W word had the same effect as always. As soon as he heard it, Yasko was bouncing and yipping as he made his way towards Pansy, his eyes shining with the same excitement he always had for a jaunt outside with his favorite person. She couldn’t help but smile at his antics, he never failed to cheer her up. And even though she was exhausted from being ravaged by her panic attack, she knew the exercise and fresh air would be good for both of them.

***

It was a little colder than Pansy thought it had been, but Yasko didn’t mind. He was still trotting along beside her like a king. So instead of turning back towards home, she continued down their usual path while trying not to think too hard about the Christmas lights twinkling in the park. When Pansy was a little girl, before going to Hogwarts, her father would take her around town the whole month of December so she could see the Christmas lights the muggles put up.

A sad smile ghosted her face as she remembered the awe she felt while watching the town come to life in multi-colored lights. The way he would laugh as she spun, open-mouthed, in a circle while trying to stare at everything at once. He always made sure he had a thermos of hot cocoa with marshmallows. Even though his warming charms were enough to keep the cold away, Pansy always insisted the cocoa was needed for extra warmth and he never failed to give in to her whims. 

A quiet ‘woof’ from Yasko brought Pansy back to the present. She heard voices in front of them, and as she looked up, Pansy saw what had caught his attention. Yasko stayed alert as the two figures came closer with their four-legged companions. 

“Pansy, is that you?” a familiar voice called out. As the owner of the voice and his companion stepped into a pool of light from the street lamp, Pansy was finally able to make out Theo Nott and Harry Potter. 

She couldn’t help but break into a smile as Yasko pranced around, excited to see their friends, “Hello, Theo, Harry,” she said while trying not to laugh as she watched the three dogs greet each other.

Theo’s Weimaraner, Tilly, and Harry’s Springer spaniel, Midas, pranced in circles with Yasko getting their leashes tangled together.

Theo paused a moment in untangling their dogs to look up at Pansy, “I’m glad we ran into you since I was going to floo call you tonight anyway. I am planning a Christmas party with everyone for next week and would love if you could come.”

Before she could decline because of how close the party was to the day she dreaded, Pansy remembered her decision earlier to be around her friends more, “I may not stay long,” she started slowly, “but I think it would be good for me to get out again. I’m sorry I’ve been dodging all of you for so long now.”

“Pansy, we all understand,” Theo said as he placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. “We know this time of year is going to be rough on you, but we also want you to know that we are here for you, whenever you need us.”

As Harry handed Pansy Yasko’s leash, she felt her eyes tear up. Christmas was always going to be a hard time of year but Pansy couldn’t continue on the way she had been. Hiding from the pain only made it worse because it wasn’t going away, and at some point, she was going to feel it. Hiding herself from her friends because she was afraid of showing that vulnerability wasn’t a smart idea because they were some of the people who gave her strength to make it through tough times.

With a shaky smile, Pansy gave Theo a quick hug. 

“Thank you, I will keep reminding myself of that. Make sure to pester me about the party because I’m going to change my mind about coming a few times so remind me about this walk and that I need to get out. I want to see you guys and I know it will be good for me.”

With a final wave, Pansy led Yasko home. 

Her father was always going to be gone and Christmas would always remind her of that, but he wouldn’t want her to stop living because of it. He would still want her to enjoy life, he would be pushing her to be with her friends. So she was going to do her best to do exactly that. Sometimes you have to find a reason to smile through your tears and her friends were definitely one of those reasons.

**Author's Note:**

> I want to thank my beta [AmiMendal](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmiMendal) for her awesome last minute beta skills!!!


End file.
